Testimony of spiritual abuse in the Trappist Order

Trigger warning - the article describes spiritual abuse and mistreatment in the religious community. If you feel unwell while reading this, it is better not to continue and to take care of yourself. More info in this article.

Can you tell me something about yourself?

My name is Eliška, I was a nun at the Trappist monastery between years 2010 and 2020, I am currently on maternity leave, working as a language teacher and finishing my studies at the Pedagogical Faculty.

What inspired you to share your experience with the Trappists

In the autumn of 2024, together with several other people, we filed an official complaint to both the Abbot General of the Trappist Order and his Council (the Order is mixed - for men and women, the highest authority is the Abbot General and his Council) and to the Vatican Dicastery for Institutes of Consecrated Life and Societies of Apostolic Life. During the following three months, the Order conducted a canonical inquiry which confirmed our complaints.

The fact that the investigation confirmed serious problems means to me that my experience is relevant. At the same time, I know that there are not many testimonies of spiritual abuse concerning Czech Republic, and this then leads to greater vulnerability of young people who enter such communities without knowing the possible risks. 

Besides that, while I have had the opportunity to see the Order's efforts to solve problems internally, and I have to say that I was positively surprised by the speed of response and a few other steps, I also see absolutely zero willingness to communicate externally. There is no information on the Trappist website or on the Order's website about a canonical investigation that confirmed dysfunction, no apology, no contact for those who were harmed. Nor has any of the victims been contacted privately from the sisters or the Order been with one exception where it was a downright practical matter that the sisters had to resolve - although had been pointing out this need for a long time. 

This lack of information can have a very damaging impact on potential candidates who do not know what they should look out for, and also on people who have left and are still dealing with the consequences. 

If my experience is relevant, if no one else is willing to talk about it, and this lack of information may harm someone, then I think it is right to do talk publicly.  

And wouldn't it be better if the Order or the Community itself handled this communication?

It would be better. But they would have to be capable to do it. At the very least, it would be nice if there was some communication from their side as well. We've had a couple of meetings (via Meet) with the Abbot General where I've brought this up, but they tend to emphasize discretion and confidentiality. I think that discretion that withholds information that may be important to other people is not that much virtuous after all. Well, so we basically disagree on that. In general, I think this tendency to protect reputation is not very evangelical or functional. Jesus admonished the Pharisees and the apostles quite indiscreetly. When I asked the Abbot General if he thought the community itself was able talk frankly to potential candidates about its problems, the answer was that not yet, but that the community was not advised to accept new candidates. However, the community remains autonomous and is not forbidden to accept candidates. Given that the community has recently posted a video on YouTube from the solemn vows of Sr. Francesca and added to it a significant part describing beauty of Trappist life, which looks a bit like a recruitment promo video, there doesn't seem to be much restraint about attracting new vocations. 

What was your experience in communicating with OCSO leadership?

We had a couple of meetings via Meet, we also communicated by e-mail. The Abbot General apologized to us, thanked us for our courage, acted quickly and really resolved something and continues to do so.

Did they offer you any compensation or support?

No, no such offer has been made. When I said at the meeting that it would also be necessary to find and contact other victims, I was told that they could not do that because they didn´t have relevant contacts. Which in this digital age is... I don't know… holy simplicity? The CMSWR (Congregation of Major Superiors of Women Religious) paid for our therapy sessions, which is a very nice gesture, especially since these sisters knew nothing about it, had no part in the abuse, but wanted to show their support for us in this way. 

Was your experience with the Czech Trappist Nuns?

Yes. Trappist Monastery of Our Lady upon Vltava. 

Can you describe the progress of the investigation so far?

In September, we filed a complaint through the CMSWR, where we received a very kind and constructive reception. The sisters then forwarded our documents to the Dicastery and the Abbot General and his Council in Rome. The Abbot General subsequently announced a canonical investigation, commissioned the Church's lawyers to conduct canonical interrogations in the community, and based on the interrogations which revealed serious difficulties an extraordinary visitation was held in early 2025. At the beginning of the visitation, the abbess submitted her resignation, which was immediately accepted by the Abbot General, and on 12 January the abbess returned to her mother community in Italy.

So the abbess was not canonically punished by the Order?

No, I have no information of the sort. She just resigned and returned to the community where she was a novice master for 20 years. The abbot general told me that if she hadn't resigned, she would have been forced to. 

So she is basically just relocated, but can continue to operate if she wants? 

Apparently so. If anyone desires her input…

Can you tell us anything about the nature of the dysfunctions in the community? 

When the Abbot General wrote to us about the visitation process, he summarized that "the investigation revealed serious dysfunctions in the community and in the way the abbess led the community," adding that "the abbess took responsibility for these dysfunctions, including those related to physical punishment, abuse of conscience and abuse of authority." That struck me as an apt summary. I would add to that the disregard for the statutes and canon law, which of course is evident in the abuse of authority and conscience, but it is a broader issue, and also the manipulation and unethical practice regarding labour and various suspicious financial machinations. 

Let's take one step at the time. First things first: physical punishment?

The whole punishment issue has a long history, like all these dysfunctions. Things evolve over time, people rationalize it, they believe it, they get used to it, they don't see it as a sin. It's a similar dynamic to domestic violence. In our monastery, harsh slaps were quite common. I remember once abbess slapped me so spectacularly that my glasses flew away. The reason for the slap was that I opened my mouth to object. But I also know of fasting on bread and water or complete fasting as punishment (or until the person in question recognizes that what the authority, i.e. abbess says is true). The fasting didn't last for long days, but maybe a day or two. Isolation (and locking up) as punishment was common and could last for weeks. 

And at the beginning you thought "it's just a slap" and maybe also "Italian temperament is different than Czech". But the situation got to the point that some nuns had the obedience (i.e. sacred duty) to play with an aggressive German shepherd that bit them. And in the summer of 2024, he attacked one postulant so seriously that she had to be hospitalized. Certainly, the Geman shepherd was not used as an instrument of punishment, but it shows how some of the criteria for what is permissible have shifted in the community.

What happened with the dog?

Despite various calls for a solution - if it repeatedly attacks people, it should be sent to a suitable shelter or put down - he was certainly still there in February. Perhaps the sisters are more careful these days, but it doesn't seem responsible to me.

So let's go back to physical punishment.

Yes, so slapping, isolation and fasting as punishment. The mother relied on the Rule of Benedict, which does indeed contain a "penal code", which says for example, that if young boys do not understand, they can be punished physically instead.^[1] Or that a monk expelled from the community should eat later than the community, or fast longer than others.^[2] And, of course, that a monk can be isolated to be punished. 

Well, if something is included in the Rule, it’s quite straightforward to reference.

Sure. However, the Rule is from the 6th century, and the Trappist Order has long since issued various documents forbidding to take these chapters literally. But we have never heard of these documents. Apparently, the abbess liked this kind of literal actualisation of the Rule and often explained that we, Czech girls, and this "young generation" are just like the barbarians, the Langobards in the time of St. Benedict, and therefore we need to be treated a little more "firmly". The sisters somehow accepted it, and there was a lot of pressure to accept that  - it was impossible to refuse it completely. For example, I remember one sister a few years older than me saying to me with a sigh when I wasn't bright and quick enough at work: "Yes, it is really true in the end, with this generation of yours, you can't do anything but yell."

Did she hit you too?

No, that was the speciality of the abbess. But yelling was part of a certain "pedagogy". When I was a slightly more advanced in the formation, I tried to yell, too. You were supposed to do that.. There was a lot of pressure to do „the right thing “, and anyone who refused to do that, was refusing to give true help to the „neighbour“.  

What do you mean when you speak about „pedagogy“?  

It seemed to me that the abbess had gradually developed a kind of pedagogy that seemed effective in managing or controlling the community. I suppose it was effective in some ways, but the question is at what cost. So, for example, part of the pedagogy was that one could be coerced when it was for one's own good (force someone to eat in order to gain weight, for example). And later I understood that according to the abbess, one /the authority) can also lie and manipulate when it is for the good of the person in question. Further, yelling was considered an extremely effective method to make someone work better, confess sins, basically, do what is right: "Do it!" "Now!" "Immediately!" I've learned a lot of Italian swear words thanks to this „pedagogy“. 

I thought that Trappists maintain silentium.

Well, it was certainly not true for the abbess. She had to "sacrifice" her desire for silence in order to give us formation. But in general, the experience of silence is a bit of a myth. At least it was for us. There was a lot of work to do, things to discuss, dialogues and various other meetings. 

Either way, it doesn't sound like an environment one would want to enter or stay in.

No. But the „boiling frog syndrome“ applies. It is like a relationship with a manipulative abuser. In the beginning, iyou experience understanding, the charism of the abbess, you experience kindness, interest in your affairs, respect for your limitations. And then there is the charm of monastic life, the conviction you have about your vocation, beautiful liturgy, the sense of freedom from worldly affairs…. In short, there's a lot of enchantment. And one is also a bit of a "vulnerable adult" in one's twenties. You do not enter with a good knowledge of yourself, of people, of life, of work, of canon law, of manipulative techniques. You enter with great confidence, admiration for something that looks beautiful. Some people are more vulnerable to this kind of manipulation, some less.

But back to the abbess. It must be said that the abbess was extremely charismatic. And extremely capable of changing faces. In the parlatory, she was a truly charming lady with a beautiful smile. But already in the hallway leading from the parlatory, you could get a nice slap or insult. But even in the monastery the abbess knew her way with people: she was educated, witty, she danced waltz at community celebrations... She could quickly create a feeling of closeness and understanding. And after a while, she would toughen up. At the same time, the testimony of the community also plays a significant role in the “boiling frog syndrome”. You look around and you don't see anyone protesting. Moreover, the abbess may send sisters who are close to you in age to you and they would tell you how this treatment really helped them and did no harm at all.

And why is that? Are they lying?

That's not so easy. Firstly, if they say anything else, the abbesses will get to know it, and they'll have to face the music. Secondly, they probably really did believe it, because one gradually internalizes these arguments and actions, so they really think that it actually helped them in some situation. Third, trust and humility, which is emphasized in monasticism in general and in this community in particular, plays a role. Maybe you trust that the abbess understands the situation better than you do, so you just humbly accept and pass on her point of view. It's hard, with all the pressure in the community, to admit that you don't agree, let alone refuse to do it. Plus, price you would pay for refusing to do it would ultimately be leaving the community, because it's impossible to stay there in that kind of opposition. That's what I realized at some point.

Was that why you left?

Yes, it was one of the reasons. But let´s stay in the topic.  

Okay. In addition to physical punishment, you mentioned abuse of conscience. What did that mean specifically?

Canon law presupposes that religious have the right to a forum internum, that is, an area concerning a person's private personal and spiritual sphere, where the superior cannot force him to be open.^[3] At the same time, even if a religious chooses to share something from the forum internum with the superior voluntarily, it is confidential and the superior has no right to tell anyone at any time. That didn't exist in the community. Again, there was a kind of spiritual theory behind this, this time about monastic openness of heart. 

If you read into the various desert fathers, like Dorotheus of Gaza, which is ca. 4th century AD, you will learn that the monk confessed to his spiritual father everything that was on his mind. It was a tool of humility, an aid to discernment, and probably a means of not going mad. But after all, Dorotheus wa a fourth-century hermit in the desert who adopted this technique voluntarily, it was not compulsory for him as for us. We can take this experience of his, like the penal code from the Rule of Benedict, and say that "openness of heart" is more important than forum internum, and voilá, the Canon Law loses it´simportance. 

Consequently, we were regularly given the "obedience" of writing down our sins and thoughts to the abbess or formator. The notebooks for the examination of conscience were regularly checked. At confession, it also happened that the abbess was waiting for me and checked what I was confessing (if it was a significant confession) and whether I had confessed what I had been told to confess in a way I was told to confess it. Sins were to be confessed first to the abbess and then to the priest in confession. Confession was generally very controlled. If one was in the confessional for more than three minutes, interrogation usually ensued. It was emphasized a lot that you do not talk to the priest, you just have to say a list of your sins. The argument for this practice was that, above all, we must not be accompanied spiritually by a priest, because the abbess was supposed to do that and he cannot understand our spirituality. 

At the same time, the abbess also decided with great freedom which information that the sisters, more or less obligatorily, confessed under her spiritual direction she would say to whom and when, so that confidentiality was simply not maintained. For example, I remember begging her not to tell others yet (!) some private thing that I was ashamed of, or I have experienced her bringing private notes that another sister had written to he to a meeting with other sisters. In order to punish that sister, she read them to us aloud with the following commentary: "Dear, XY, you must have the courage to take responsibility for your thoughts." Or I attended a terrible meeting in which the abbess told us about the traumatic experience of one of the sisters present in formation with me (and present at the meeting). She said she was going to tell it to us in order to punish her for not wanting to talk about it, because in doing so she displays arrogance „of a princess," and refuses to be helped, even though that traumatic thing was the cause of her problematic behaviour. And I'm sorry to say that none of us said anything in defence of the sister. 

It has led to a general desensitization to the importance of privacy. In recent years, when some sisters had therapy online, another sister was participating, sitting in the corner of the room watching, listening, controlling The therapist, of course, didn't know. So when doing online therapy, I recommend first requiring a 360 degree turn of the laptop...

What are the implications of such thought control?

At some point I realized that I was afraid to even think some things. It's actually a simple process. You know you're going to have to confess the thought, you don't want to be yelled at or locked away, and you don't want to lie when someone asks you about what you're thinking. So you're afraid to think about it. Or it has led, usually  with the older sisters, to a kind of split existence. When they have to agree, they agree with everything, and when you ask them privately, they tell you otherwise without blinking an eye.

Wait a minute. Locked up somewhere?

Yes, in the Rule of Benedict it is also said that the guilty monk is excluded from the community and does his work alone and in silence.^[4] In practice, this meant that one was in a hermitage, went to meals at other times than the community, and no one talked to him. Once a sister was locked in the hermitage for many days because she allegedly could not be relied upon not to leave (that is, from the hermitage). The hermitage had a bathroom, a toilet, and a terrace, not to make a horror out of it.

Okay, next you mentioned abuse of authority.

I guess that's obvious. For example, according to the statutes of the Order, there should be a formation council, but in our case the abbess decided everything, and at the same time she did not respect the Statutes or Canon law. So, for example, it was only after 2.5 years in the monastery that I found out that my novitiate term was actually coming to an end.^[5] I took my vows after 3 years and some months, which is only a slight delay compared to others who, by various types of „magic“, remained in the novitiate for 5 years.

Maybe they needed it in order to discern? 

Yes, the abbess argued that it is actually an act of mercy towards them, but it is a strange mercy, because after so many years it is also difficult to return to the world and the community certainly does not make it easier for people. Anyway, it's pretty arbitrary.

But let's go back to the abuse of authority.

In fact, all functions and decision-making were accumulated in the hands of the abbess. From whether or not I could go to the doctor, to how to handle a problem in the workplace, or what to write in a letter home. 

So the abbess answered a hundred requests for permission in a day, or how did that work? 

It didn't work. The regular sister was constantly torn between having to "confront" everything - i.e. inform the authority and ask for the necessary permissions - and not having an answer. I think this is also why, for example, the formators changed about every 1.5 years. They were supposed to function only as representatives of the abbess, and thus always confront everything. But at the same time, they talked to the sisters in formation and could not wait for the guidance of the abbess in everything, so that sooner or later this inevitably led to conflict between the abbess and the formator. And the sisters in formation also naturally developed a relationship with the formator rather than the abbess, which usually "sealed her fate“. The abbess then accused the formator of emotionally abusing the sisters in formation, i.e., wanting them to gossip with her instead of educating them in the truth and being unpopular like she, the abbess, was.

You also mentioned malpractice at work.

One very problematic issue, which is probably a broader issue, is how the employment status of sisters in general, but especially of sisters in formation, is addressed in such communities. Sisters in formation have not made any definite commitment to stay there and statistically many, rather most, will leave. At the same time, they work mostly in a completely secular businesses, that earn more or less money to the monastery. The monastery normally pays taxes, has an LLC, etc. However, the employment status of these nuns is not clarified in any way. 

No one ever discussed it with me, I just assumed that it was somehow "settled", I never signed anything anywhere. When nuns from other monasteries work, for example, in a school or in a hospital, they have normal contracts, of course. Here everything is done through the monastery. The monastery does not enter into contracts with these people, it pays only health insurance, not the social insurance, it artificially extends their formation and gives them nothing or some ridiculous amount of money when they leave. For the sisters, this means that they will not be able to get sick leave or unemployment benefits, they will have a minimal pension, they will have nothing to put on their CVs, even though they have normally worked, again in secular business mostly. But the community surely did save money… 

I was talking about this with the abbot of another Trappist community who told me that they had a similar setup, but when someone left after a long time and they realized that they were now in a situation where they had nothing, they just set up a system of employment contracts. 

And isn´t it a matter of the poverty? Perhaps so little is earned that it could not be done otherwise? 

The community, at least in the days when I was there, was economically above average, although we were forbidden to "boast" about it in the parlatory, so as not to "proudly refuse donations". After all, the Trappists, as Benedictines, are not a Mendicant order, they are supposed to support themselves by the work of their own hands, so they tend to have a sense of business. So we might as well be proud that we support ourselves. I was present, for example, when large plots of land were bought around the monastery so that there would be peace for contemplative life in the future. Large plots of land in the Central Bohemian region are not cheap. Also, a gazebo was added, the garden was improved, a lot of solar panels were bought, the surroundings of the monastery were improved and the whole attic of the monastery was converted into a cream manufacture.

And above all, since about 2011, there has been a profitable cooperation with LVMH. This is a specifically controversial topic. We filled cups with luxury cream for LVMH. 

You mean Bernard Arnault's LVMH?

Yes. Luis Vuitton Moet Henessy. We were employees of Bernard Arnault's company Fresh, which is one of the luxury brands owned by LVMH. Fresh produces the luxury cream Crème ancienne - made in monasteries. Well, this "monastery" is Poličany, Nový Dvůr, and then a few other places. You can read here on the Wall Street Journal that we're Fresh's secret weapon:-)

https://www.wsj.com/articles/fresh-cosmetics-secret-weapon-monks-1446758454

And here you can find our products with price tags:

https://www.fresh.com/us/skincare/categories/moisturizers/cr%C3%A8me-ancienne-H00006076.html?srsltid=AfmBOoqX2Eh6q7JoEtsFl99-lCwbkimcsfTwGE4ZyKI82v73mfEcPvh6

Currently you can buy a larger cup for a nice $390. The brothers "cooked" the cream and we put it in the cups because the cream was so thick, it was impossible to do it by machine. 

This was a business that provided a living for the community. The other workplaces were always just "extras". But we were forbidden to talk about it, so that people wouldn't "misunderstand" it, and you won't find a word about creams on the Trappist website. I mean, when you go to a monastery to give everything to God, you do not really expect to realize it by working for LVMH, right? It seems weird, probably because it is weird. But then it is a way of maintaining the monastery which is not an easy enterprise. 

Well, it's not the kind of work you'd expect in a monastery. Do you see any other problems there? 

Yes. As for the issue of unclear employment status, I don't think it can work quite like that really legally. Sure, maybe there was some loophole where we could work in such a mundane business but not be employees. The only thing I can think of is that most of the nuns are listed as unemployed - volunteers who work for the convent LLC without pay, insurance or possible compensation after they leave formation. I could understand such a setup when one works for charity as a religious, but here we are in a very ordinary, very mundane, very profitable business.

Either way, when there was some inspection, we were forbidden to work in the creams and had to pray piously in church. So I guess the abbess didn't really have a clear conscience about the sisters' work status. 

But it also posed other challenging questions. For example: it is a profitable job, but one that can only be done by people with excellent eyesight and extremely skilled hands. That is, young sisters in formation, who are then responsible for the community's largest source of income. They are then under the pressure of orders from LVMH, which has never had enough, they have the responsibility of not letting anything go wrong, because this is a luxury: you can't have dirty cups, forgotten lids, etc. At the same time, it means that for years they are locked in a small room from morning till evening  (although the attic is probably bigger nowadays), doing an absolutely monotonous work. It's a big burden, even though according to the statutes, in formation sisters are not supposed to be given tasks that would hinder their formation.^[6] I would say that this type of responsibility is pretty much one of those tasks that hinder formation.

Another problem was that given the communication setup in the community, there was not much opportunity to question the instructions the sisters were receiving, let alone the authority giving them. Andfor a long time a lot of those instructions were completely nonsensical. The sister responsible for the cream manufactory at the time believed that she had a sacred obedience even to all the instructions that came from our employers, so discussion was not possible. Just before I left, there was a bit of a discussion in the community about this topic, so maybe something shifted.

In any case, a telling metaphor for me in this whole enterprise was a note that sister - boss of the time hung in our workplace. „Love = obedience. Obedience = 50 cups.“ Behold, how simple is the path to sanctification.

You also mentioned suspicious financial practice. 

I don't want to go too much into detail that because I have heard a lot of it second hand. But what was happening repeatedly was the withholding of money from the sisters in formation. 

According to Canon law, a sister loses the right to own any property at the moment of solemn vows. Before the first vows, she is to entrust her property to any person to administer it, and this includes the revenues.^[7]  According to the Constitutions, before solemn vows she is to give away her property, e.g. to the poor.^[8]

That's not the way how it worked at us. For example, when sister in formation (i.e. not with solemn vows) wanted to have her family administer a larger amount of money she owned with her family, she even granted done of the members the power of attorney, but the abbess would not allow it and the money had to be transferred to the monastery. When I was in the monastery, the abbess explained to me that this way it was more secure, because the monastery would look after the money and return the money to the sister in case she left, while the family might spend it. I never heard that the monastery also promised to return the revenues from the money deposited. However the return can be problematic even when the monastery is giving it back. I have experienced this myself. In any case, according to Canon law, a sister in formation certainly cannot be required to transfer her property to the monastery. 

Then you talked about manipulation. What exactly did that look like?

Gradually I began to see the typical manifestations of lovebombing, grooming, gaslighting and simple carrots and whips approach and of course humiliation, all often dressed up in various pious phrases.

Like what? 

For example, I remember the abbess laughing and telling me who the hell I thought would marry me (if I leave) and where would I return to now, if I leave? It would have passed for "telling the truth", so it was "no big deal". As a sister once said, "Mother always tells us the truth."

Sounds like the abbess is an oracle.

A little bit:-). And again there is an abuse of monastic tradition. Monastic tradition holds that when a monk-disciple opens his heart to a spiritual director, the Holy Spirit is working there. From there it is only a short step to the Holy Spirit speaking through the spiritual director; indeed, the same concept is found in obedience. "Whoever obeys you obeys me" (Luke 10:16). I remember once an abbess announcing to a postulant that her path to God would now lead through her, the abbess. Monastic and religious spirituality provides quite a bit of ammunition for this sanctification of the spiritual director. After all, even St. Benedict says that the path of obedience will get you to God, obedience gives you authority and authority... wants 50 cups... without bubbles and dust.

But back to the insults dressed in pious phrases. 

So expressing a doubt about someone (mostly authority) or some practices means  "evil judgement". Fear of an abbess or other authority figure acting harshly and aggressively is "lack of trust and sonship". A complaint is „grumbling“ or „attack on authority“ or „an expression of a desire for revenge“ or for power or „an expression of envy.“ Sure, sometimes a complaint, a doubt, and a judgment passes through this sieve with honour. And sure, sometimes a complaint is indeed motivated by envy. But not always. 

I think one typically Trappist "pious phrase" is silence. We were very much trained not to talk about ourselves or the community in the parlatory. In confession, we were not supposed to talk to the priest as the priest wouldn´t understand our spirituality. For example, when I told my friends in the parlatory that my vows had been postponed, I was then accused by the abbess of grumbling and so actually gossiping and taking revenge. Friends can't understand that, so why am I telling them, eh? There's a catch, in the silence. For one thing, it's not entirely clear why so much needs to be cloaked in such overwhelming silence. But what´s more, it takes away the opportunity to confront one's doubts or concerns with an outsider as part of the discretion. And that is always very dangerous. 

Sonship?

This is a favourite concept of all the communities that have emerged from the Italian Vitorchiano. I think it was quite a nice idea in the beginning, meaning that the relationship between the superior and the religious should not be one of simple obedience, but that obedience should be lived in a relationship that resembles that of father and son. Later, there was a mysticism added to it, that somehow connected it to the sonship of the Son to the Father, and most importantly later, the sonship became the Holy Grail of the spiritual life. For us, sonship meant a warm and trusting relationship with the abbess. That is quite easy to translate into simple loyalty. And those who had „sonship“ were liked, had positions, trust, and were thought to be spiritually progressing. But this „sonship progress“ was usually quite short term. For some mysterious reason, no one ever kept the sonship for that long. I think it had something to do with the fact that it was a relationship between two people and the abbess decided at the other end who to raise up and who to depose. But it's hard to say. My lack of sonship, for example, was the reason the abbess wouldn't allow me to take vows. Or to give another example of the importance of sonship: When I was in some kind of crisis and a sister wanted to talk to me and help me, she came and said, "How's your sonship going?" The important thing for her was to find out how my sonship was going, because after all, that's what it all comes down to...

Lovebombing?

This is a technique where the victim first becomes overwhelmed with great emotion and love and appreciation and everything he or she desires, then stops being cautious, opens up, commits, and then suddenly lovebombing turns into whipping and punishment. I remember that when I was contemplating leaving before the solemn vows, the abbess suddenly had an urgent task for me: we spent a week together going over photos for the archives and website. We were always together, she was kind, funny, understanding. And my fears that I would never arrive at that famous sonship vanished. Well, that was stupid of me. Of course, after the solemn vows, the idyll was over.

Grooming? 

In the Czech Republic, this word is used in the context of sexual abuse, but in the English-speaking world it is a bit broader: it is basically about creating an intimate relationship with a future victim in order to prepare her for later abuse. I was aware of this in the context of those moments when the abbess was very good at 'talking', she was able to create that sense of intimacy, of acceptance, she listened to me, she got a lot of very personal information out of me and others, and then used it successfully later. There are people who are afraid to talk about their negative experiences with the community precisely because they don't want the information they have confidentially shared to be used against them.

Gaslighting?

This term is used in the context of manipulative relationships where the victim clearly names or judges something correctly, but the manipulator tries to convince them that they are wrong and that they cannot trust their judgment or their experience. For example, I know that I did something because I was tired, but the abbess yells at me that she knows that I actually did it because I am lazy. I know I said something because I think it's true, but she yells at me that she knows it was to get revenge. Of course gaslighting like "you can't understand", "the problem is you" was popular in the community. 

And by the way, isn't it indiscretion, detraction if not downright slander, to talk about it like that?

Well, it depends. I'm sure that's how a lot of people might see it. However, the Catholic notion of detraction is that someone, without objectively valid reason, discloses another's faults and failings to persons who did not know them.

I think I have a valid reason. But not everybody will see it that way, I suppose. Besides, I've been thinking a lot lately about why it is that Catholic moral theology has a special term for sin, when an unflattering truth is needlessly spread. But it doesn't have a special term for sin, where an unflattering or even neutral truth is unnecessarily withheld. Something like "false exaltation" or "white-washing". Does that say anything about the Catholic mentality, which loves silence so much?

Maybe:-) 

So how did it go with your departure?

I took the solemn vows, and suddenly found myself more inside the community. It seems strange, but even though people live together in a monastery, as long as you're in formation you will not get to know a lot of things, because you're not allowed to participate in dialogues on certain topics and so on. So moving to the rank of "black veil" also meant some new discoveries about how fragile the community actually was from the inside. At the same time, though, it gave me a little confidence boost. I felt that after all, I could already judge something correctly, I had some experience, I was somehow accepted by the community. When I lacked  confidence, I was unable to name many things. That´s why humiliating the sisters in formation is extremely dangerous: it can prevent the process of discernment.   

With that, my cognitive dissonance grew. There was one moment that really stuck in my mind. I was working in the biscuit manufactory at the time, and a novice came in and cheered that the abbess had given her permission to work all Sunday. And I realized that as a "black veil" I should now act a little „educationally": say something like: Well, that´s nice, but we have to try harder next time.

Try harder?

The permission to work on Sunday was allow you to do penance for your slowness or mistakes at work. But this could also be used as a patch and gaslighting at virtually any time when one was not keeping up. It could always be our fault and there was always penance to be done. After all, that's why we're in the monastery, to make cookies all Sunday.

But I'll get back to my mini-story. As a "experienced nun" I knew, unlike the novice, that this was no exception and probably not really her fault. (And yes, sometimes it was our fault and sometimes it is right or necessary to work on Sundays, sure). After many years of work, it was pretty clear that this was a systemic problem. There are too few nuns, too many workplaces, it would need some reorganization, probably help form the outside. The abbesses, however, thought that we were the problem because we were lazy, so there is no choice but to repent and do penance. And I thought it was terrible that I, by my example, would mislead the girl, until she herself figures it out many years later.

And can an abbess cancel the observation the Sunday?

Well, "He who obeys you, obeys me." And business is business.

But back to your leaving.

Yes, so I had similar "realisations" and at the same time my health started to deteriorate: I was very tired, my claustrophobia worsened, I slept only a few hours a day, my hair began falling out.  Now, in retrospect, it's clear to me how it all went together. I'd said yes to something forever, and then suddenly started to realize that a lot of things weren't working here, and there was no escape. 

Nut there was an escape, though.

Oh, sure. So I began to consider whether I should transfer, and I researched the nuns of Bethlehem. And that was my good fortune. Because the nuns of Bethlehem went through a great deal of spiritual abuse some time ago, and there is a whole fascicle of testimonies of nuns who have left, available on the internet. I started secretly reading it. 

How do you secretly read online in Trappa?

Well, first of all, you're not allowed any internet access, you don't have a cell phone, and you can't talk to someone without being controlled.

Couldn't you write a letter or discuss it in parlatory or with another sister? 

Letters were handed to the abbess opened and incoming mail was read. Not always and all of them, but you never knew when it was your turn. Again, one of the ancient monastic customs which, the Abbot General told us afterwards, is no longer in use in the Order. The meetings in the parlatory were not monitored in this way, but they were short and few. Plus, you are not supposed to talk about yourself and the community and you never know who might hear what. What you do know however, is that the abbess can ask you at any time what you talked about in the parlatory. The sisters, on the other hand, don't have a "free word" with each other. You can't go and chat with a sister without the abbess's permission. And even if you do, you don't know if the sister won´t be troubled by her conscience and tell the abbess everything.

So what did you do? 

I started cheating. I had a laptop in the archive that connected to the monastery wifi automatically. And when I wasn't sleeping, I would read the testimonies of the nuns of Bethlehem at night. It's easier to think about other people's problems than of your own, and those testimonies helped me gradually realize and name what I was experiencing in our monastery. The testimonies of the Bethlemites contained a remarkable number of similarities to what was happening in our monastery, which helped me understand much better what was structurally not working. And that set me free a lot. After all, there is something about the truth that liberates.

I realized that I was probably not well as a result of what I was experiencing in that place, and that given the situation it might be perfectly legitimate to just leave and take care of my health and salvation. I was pretty much convinced that these mechanisms in the community were actually pushing me to sin: I was also supposed to shout and be aggressive, also to control the other sisters, also to behave hypocritically... 

You didn't talk to the abbess about it? 

At first, of course, I tried to talk to her about my departure, but all I got was yelling and accusations that I wanted to betray Christ and all that. She had me kneel in front of the icon for about half an hour, and Christ was supposed to tell me what He wanted. When I replied that He wanted me to leave, she declared that Christ couldn't want that. Well, she certainly knew better, as always. I understood then that I would get nothing from her but pressure to stay. I didn't talk to her about it after that. So I had committed, in their parlance, the terrible sin of autonomy (a sin against the virtue of sonship!). I tried a few more times to talk to her about my health. There I also learned a lot. For example, that she would never send me to a psychiatrist, that I don't have claustrophobia, or that the symptoms I have are actually a manifestation of the curse from the freemasons in my parish. 

I'm sorry, what?

Yes, really: The Freemasons from my parish were furious that I had taken solemn vows, so they organized a cursing ritual to get back at me. The abbesses and the prioress supposedly found out about it by having an exorcist tell them in the parlatory. And the exorcist supposedly learned it during an exorcism from a former Freemason. And that's why he came into the room to tell the abbess, and he even said my name. But the Prioress "reassured" me at the time that I need not be afraid: I just have to live in obedience and other monastic virtues and the masons would not be able to get at me.

So if your health deteriorates, then it will probably be a manifestation that you are not living these virtues.

I guess so. I didn't stay long enough to test it...

"How do you think this theory originated?

I don't know. It's hard to say what some exorcist said in the parlatory and what the abbess added for so called pedagogical reasons. Over time I came to understand that part of her pedagogy is that she can lie if it helps to make me behave properly. So I took her claims with a grain of salt.

So much for the abbess's reaction. So you finished reading the testimonies of the Bethlemites, talked to the abbess, and then? 

As I already was „cheating“ and stopped believing it all, and committed these terrible sins of disobedience, autonomy, distrust, and evil judgments, everything became a little bit irrelevant. So, I continued. I set up a secret email address and also committed the grave sin of breaking the silence. I wrote to my devout Catholic friends telling them about my situation and that I needed someone to talk to freely. I wanted someone who wouldn't just tell me to "just leave" outright and would understand the value of the solemn for me. And that's what these friends really offered: a non-judgmental listening that allowed me to formulate that it really was time to leave. So I asked my friend to come over one Saturday afternoon. I had arranged a final meeting with the abbess that morning, where I still wanted to give it a chance in case she took my difficulties seriously.

Did she?

She offered me as a rest: „On Sunday you don't have to get up at 4, but only at 7.“ She repeated that claustrophobia is from the devil. And when I asked for a chance to "rest" outside the community, she laughed at me, saying that only she was allowed on such vacations because she needed a break from us.

So you said you were leaving. 

No, I wouldn't do that. They wouldn't let me go. I had a vow of stability, and the abbess made it clear that unless I had the Vatican's approval, I would not be allowed to leave. At that very time, a sister was locked in the hermitage because according to the abbess it was for her own good and for the good of the community. Everyone knew she was locked up. No one objected. So I had a valid reason to fear being locked up for my own good. 

So I packed up secretly and left secretly too. After lunch, I grabbed a garbage bag to throw a few things into, pretended to be on my way to garbage bin, then slipped through the parlatory (parlatory 4 used to be unlocked for couriers) and sprinted to the parking lot where my friend was waiting. 

I had agreed with my friend that if I didn't show up at the appointed time and didn't even write her why, she would call the police. 

The other parlatories were locked from your side?

Yes, the clause is like an impregnable fortress. But you can always jump the fence if necessary:-).

Sounds like a funny story.

Today it is, but back then I was really scared.

Did you ever regret leaving?

No. Never. That doesn't mean I didn't experience some nice things or relationships there. It just became too clear afterwards that I couldn't and wouldn't, and everything that followed was always better than being there. But I was sorry that couldn´t say goodbye normally. 

What followed?

That would be another long story. 

Okay, so how did the abbess communicate with you after you left? 

I'd say the carrot and stick approach again. I guess she was trying to see if there was a chance I could get repent and come back. The „carrot“ meant expressing an understanding of my supposed exhaustion. The „stick“ were various accusations.

For example?

For example, that I'm doing this for revenge, to hurt her. Or that when a piece of a cardboard of the size of my cell window was found in my cell, it was allegedly taken to an exorcist who allegedly recognized it as a tool for voodoo rituals that I was allegedly using to harm the community.

Like you were puncturing cardboard instead of nuns' hearts?

I guess. It wasn't pierced though…

And what was that „voodoo cardboard“ for?

Window shade. I was only able to sleep in the dark. In Trappa you go to bed at 8. But to be fair, the carton had two suspicious additions. Namely, it had two pieces of old stockings that I used in order to secure the cardboard to the window when I had it on the vent in the summer. 

Why didn't you get a string for that?

I'd have to ask for it and opening window at vent at night was disobedience, hence it was forbidden and the cardboard on the window with string would be forbidden too. So you better use what you've got, discreetly.

Why do you think the abbess came up with that?

Hard to say, she's been heavily immersed in all sorts of conspiracy and exorcism theories in recent years. At the same time, she could be covering herself in advance: if I filed a complaint, then the sisters might read it as part of my diabolical plan to harm the community.

Because the community knew?

Later I learned that the abbess had indeed announced to the community as a fait accompli that a voodoo doll had been found in my cell, and my entire cell had been „cleaned“ by an exorcist. And not only that, later I learned from some random person in the church that the Trappists had a "saboteur" in the monastery who was doing some rituals there. So that story has taken on a life of its own in the Church. 

But that's just folklore trivia.

Do you think the sisters believed it, or do they? And perhaps a more important question: do you think anyone who went through such a formation could have survived it in good health?

It's hard to answer the first one. The answer to the second is: rather not. But the ability to heal from it can vary a lot. Now, the sisters should get longer-term support from the Order, so maybe there is some healing and to be done. That's hard for me to judge. For now I'm rather sceptical, but maybe in time something will change. With the Bethlemites, some say it has worked, but even there it is just a hypothesis. The monastic silence will once again shroud everything in its impenetrable cloak of discretion…

Amen.

I'm wondering if you could summarize what prevented you from seeing the dysfunctions for so long and what helped you? 

I think isolation plays a very important role. In many senses of the word. The fact that I couldn't talk freely with anyone outside the community - with a priest, in conversation or in writing - made me very vulnerable to the abbess narrative. When I started talking to friends and was free to say what I didn't like and what "evil judgments" I had about things, it helped me think. 

But it is also about isolation in the sense of lack of information. In the monastery, the abbess decided everything we would read: from the articles from the world that hung on the bulletin board to the books we would read for lectio. This is an excellent means of manipulation. From the moment I could verify what the abbess was telling us, or confront my experience with other experiences of abuse, I began to discern much better.

Speaking, reading and writing help to think. When this is greatly reduced and "only" prayer is offered as a means of discernment, one cannot discern well. Contemplative persons tend to imagine that if I pray a lot, the success it "assured" The sisters believed this a lot. I can't recall any more solid advice on discernment than the recommendation to pray and listen to the voice of your heart, the voice of Jesus, etc.

Another aspect of isolation is also thought control. When there is intense pressure for thought control, honesty, transparency (but always only from a subordinate nun), one becomes afraid to "think" something, let alone think it through, talk about it, etc. 

Then I would say that the firm conviction that one has a vocation also plays a big role. Especially when one has had some very strong experiences, it's hard to discriminate freely and admit that something doesn't fit in. In addition, one may have sacrificed a lot to one's vocation, left school, quit a job, had a falling out with one's family, and so on. All this can take away one's freedom. Discernment is a delicate thing. Maybe he would have had that calling, but the community is too dysfunctional now. That deep experience may have been true, but he needs to grasp it a little differently. It's easy to fall into the trap that it's either all good or all a lie. And then it's hard to admit that "all good" is not the right option. 

Next, I find self-confidence, or lack of it, very important. If a sister has been trained for a long time to consider herself be an incompetent sinful loser who usually gets everything wrong, it's very hard to trust oneself to at least recognize something as basic as someone behaving badly. Especially when that someone is older, has been honoured with a some important role in the church and all that. And it's also hard to trust yourself that if you try again somewhere else, I can start over. That's how one loses the freedom of choice.

Then certainly affectivity, feelings, played a big role. The fact that the abbess knew how to be warm, human, funny, motherly, how to find people's weak points and work with them. And then the offer of the monastery was also an offer to heal wounds, the greatest classic being: We will now be your new beautiful family. 

And in the end, it probably helped me a lot to get to the rock bottom. When you've really had enough, you stop playing games. Someone's hurting you, you need help, and you are not worried anymore of committing a sin such as lack of openness of heart. Unfortunately, very often the rock bottom is really very deep. It is no coincidence that a large number of the young sisters in the monastery are currently having serious psychological problems. 

It's a broad topic. 

Sure. Anything you want to add?

Yes. Both the Abbot General and the sister of the Council, who is a part Our Lady's Community Renewal Commission, have given me their contacts so that I can pass them on to people who contact me. So I will pass them on to you and if anyone wants them, you can give them to them. 

In the last meeting I had with the Abbot General and this sister of the Council, we discussed the fact that it is not bearable for me to be approached all the time by someone who wants information. Often people do this because they have a concern, an experience, or they had a "friend, a relative who..." and at the same time they don't have the confidence to approach the community, or the community just doesn't communicate. I think it was fair to give the information, but it's exhausting. 

A somewhat incoherent situation has now arisen where the highest officials of the Order have clearly discerned that what was happening there is not normal and acceptable within the Order, have apologized and thanked us who have given testimony about it. At the same time, however, a number of people have passed through the community during the time it has been in existence and have been marked by it on their spiritual journey. And on their next journey it is very important for them, as it was for us, to hear such clear words of explanation and apology from the Order. Not to mention the girls who may be considering joining, and they should have the right to get the information so that they can give informed consent to join a community that is recovering from problems, and it will take some time before it might be normal. 

I have an understanding for the fact that the community of Our Lady upon Vltava may not be able to deal with the consequences of this situation at all. After all, they are also victims in some way. But then, what is missing is someone to deal with the aftermath, communication, compensation, etc. Unfortunately, the Order does not seem to be giving enough support to the sisters yet. 

So the offer of the Order's leadership was "if people continue to contact you, give them our contact information". That sounds like "at least something" (doesn't help people who won´t get to me, though, does it?). Anyway, the last time someone used that contact, they were told to write to Our Lady's community leaders first. Of course, that's hardly acceptable to people who have been hurt by the community, maybe it is also hard for the community that is not ready to take responsibility. 

So those contacts can be tried, but it's not clear, if something useful will come out o fit. 

And if someone wanted to contact you after reading the article? 

Then it can be done through you. I am on maternity leave, working, studying and the agenda of the Trappist Order is not exactly my „preferred hobby”, I have worked hard enough for them for no recompense, of course. It was a matter of conscience for me to go into the process and provide some information to those who need it, and I am additionally fulfilling this need with this article. I don't know how much more I will be able to communicate. I'm not experiencing this as being my big topic. My big topic is my daughter, my marriage, and the reconstruction of my life. 

And one more question: do you think this testimony will help anything?

I don't have high expectations. The reader may or may not believe me. But I think it's good if it's available somewhere and exists as information that can be considered. Much like I was once helped by the testimonies of the Bethlemites. Then everyone has to check for themselves if it's already different and better. However, I didn't have high expectations for the complaint either, and it seems to have been of some use after all. So maybe this will help.

Thanks a lot. 

You're welcome. It was nice to meet you.